In last week’s issue, we did a special ‘Top 5 Reasons Not to Visit Planet Dave’ column, and we got a litany of complaints from various Daves, many of whom provided us with a large number of reasons why our columnist Radical Henson (Status: Non-Dave) was wrong. Since our magazine believes in fair representation of contrasting opinions (both Dave and Non-Dave), we have invited Dave Keller to write a new special column, this time in honour of Planet Dave. Over to you, Dave.
As a rebuttal to Radical Non-Dave’s excessively anti-Dave stance, here are my viewpoints, presented in a Dave order of appearance.
Top 5 Reasons to Visit Planet Dave
5. To watch the beautiful mid-summer Dave stampede in the shadow of Exotic Dave mountain, 50 kilodaves away from the city of Occipital Dave. To watch the Daves cascade over the gently sloping plain while sipping Dave soda in the company of Daves is an activity worth Daving for. Rating: 8 Mondo-Daves.
4. July is the month for the Great Dave Sacrifice, when one Dave, selected from seventy million Daves, takes his Dave and offers it to Mount Uber-Dave. This sacrifice, which is traditionally considered to be necessary for the survival and continued Daveitude of Planet Dave, usually gathers an audience of 170,000, and is broadcast all over the Planet (exclusive coverage: Channel Dave 45). Rating: 15 Mondo-Daves.
3. Two words. Beach Dave. Rating: 24 Mondo-Daves.
2. The Dave Olympics, wherein Daves from 16 countries compete for the big three metal Daves. Arr, arr, arr. Rating: 31 Mondo-Daves (chances of rain later).
1. The exploding Giant Dave. Wherein every major Dave city re-enacts the fight between Boingy-Boingy Dave (joined in his battle by Level Dave and Doctor Dave) and the lizardy-poo Fanta-Dave. Daves fly, Daves kick, things go boom. Rating: Total Dave.