Some Advice for Those With Potential

Next time you see someone walk by who you know you want to become familiar with, someone who crinkles his nose in the right way just before sneezing, or someone who makes her thumbs battle for supremacy while waiting for her food to arrive, or someone who has the right kind of irritating braying laugh, go on, talk to them.

Because this could be the one whose earlobes you want to be licking for the rest of your life. The one whose ‘Baby, no!’ you’ll want to hear when you’re getting out of bed in the morning to go to work. The one who won’t be sexy at 65 but fuck that, man, you seen the way he pinches my nose when I’m in a mood?

Go on, tell them you’re conducting a survey for what brand of toothpaste they use because the fifth dentist would like to endorse that one, or ask them if they’re incompatible with a lower species because obviously there’s gotta be some catch.

Because maybe this … this is the one you’ve been waiting for, a miracle made out of growing up but not growing old, someone who still giggles every time they get hiccups, someone who wakes you up on your birthday standing naked in front of you with ‘Thank you for being born X)’ written on their belly and someone who oughta have a fruit named after them or something, someone who is so marvellous … someone you can’t believe hasn’t run out on you except that they haven’t.

And if you don’t …

If you don’t, every thought and hope currently swirling in the bit of your brain that never stopped thinking you’re gorgeous will collapse into one possibility. No.

Because if you don’t, you’ll wake up to government-regulated mornings and coffee cups with quotes that will seem cleverer the older you get, and you’ll miss out on dropping out of the world for a little while to go bury each other up to the neck in sand and you’ll miss out on going bungee-jumping for the fuck of it even though it scares the mother-loving shit out of you, and you’ll miss out on once in a while picking pubes out of your teeth. And that’s something.

But I know you. I know that of course you’ll do it next time but this time you’re not wearing the right kind of shoes and you’re feeling a bit sniffly right now and don’t want to give them a cold and you really want to go take a leak and of course they won’t be there when you get back. You … you need that little kick in the pants. So the next time, know that if you don’t, an angel dies and a plane crashes into the sea and a car runs over a little puppy just. Because. You chickened out. So go on, don’t make me stand at this angle and don’t keep pretending to talk to me while you look over my shoulder at them. Go smile at them, talk to them. Go now. I’ll wait.