Ribbons and Sunshine

Online sales of unicorns underwent a steep decline this week when Mitsy, a six-year-old thoroughbred, murdered her owner after a scuffle that took place near Times Square.

An interpreter engaged by the police conveyed on Monday that Mitsy had “got sick of the constant stroking and the baby talk. I’m not a fucking moron, you know.”

This incident has given ammunition to both the Free Unicorn Society and the ‘See, Unicorns Can Kill’ Association of Humans (SUCKAH).

FUS President Sarah Michelle stated, “Unicorns are entirely sentient beings. The fact that they accede to ownership does not give us the right to inflict our own backward philosophy of ownership on them.”

SUCKAH Chief Herbert De Mille referred our correspondent to the SUCKAH manifesto, which some have interpreted as the declaration of a desire to relegate unicorns to the status of horses.

All that can be firmly stated at the moment is that this is an interesting time for unicorn rights, and the ongoing attempt to teach unicorns English might end up a decisive factor in the state of affairs.