You have an advantage. Every year, more people buy titanium-alloy sextoys than did the year before. We have found that people use these in what has come to be called extreme onanistic tourism. One person was rescued (with little or no cooperation) while committing the act on railway tracks, while waiting for a train. He had one of your products with him, and as some of you might know, you got an interesting amount of publicity from the reportage of this incident.

Our researchers tell us that sales might increase by around 70% if we focus on this aspect of the product line. Although parachuting down to almost-certain death while fiddling with yourself is itself a popular occupation these days, an accessory specially built to survive previously-unthought-of stresses is something people like, even if the accessory itself will probably never be in such a danger.

We have thought of a few ads for you, essentially on the following lines: A person of unidentified gender leaps off the top of a waterfall while screaming for joy. There is a splash. Cut to a shot of one of your products floating in clear, babbling water. The usual warnings in tiny text.

We have more ads – both print and film – along these lines. If handled tastefully, this might just put you above your rivals in weapons-grade sextoys. Think about it. You have my number.