Pet Affliction

Every pet I had before this died of neglect. I’d forget to feed them, keep them locked up and not let them out in the sun enough, or kick them a couple of times too many.

But really, I love my pets. I’m just not built to care for them. So when this company came up with this new kind of pet, made of living tattoos, I was first in line (well, not literally – the line was five blocks long, so I decided not to hurry).

You can design it as you like, and unlike designer dogs, it’s not that expensive, and you don’t have to wait much. The tattoos just crawl around on your skin, feeding tiny bits of energy off you – not even enough for you to notice – and you don’t actually have to care for it if you don’t want to. But they’re damn cool, so you probably will.

And unlike those yapping dogs and cats, where you have to run around guessing what they’re on about, this one fucking tells you. Mine, for example, tells me when it wants to have sex, and I go and get it some. It tells me when it wants to play videogames, it tells me when it wants to let out some aggression, it tells me when it wants to watch me peeing. We get along great, really.