Regretfully, we inform you that we are no longer able to maintain your father’s corpse in our storage facility, as we continue to find it in compromising positions with the statues in our garden. Said cadaver has been issued seven reprimands and two official restraining orders till date, but its amorous activities, whether committed out of its own volition or physically actuated by a third party, have not happened to cease.
In your reply to our previous letter with respect to said calisthenics of your parental appendage, you insisted on calling us donkey-brained kookaburras and made matron cry with your appellations for her, which, while accurate, were inconsiderate and pertaining to matters on which you had signed a non-disclosure agreement.
We recognise that your relationship with your father’s remains, however exceedingly antagonistic and characteristically juvenile on your part, is a deeply personal and sensitive matter for you. Certainly the manner in which you had covered his face in homophobic slurs when you admitted him with us speaks volumes on the subject.
However, we would now appreciate your cooperation in removing the deceased from our property. We trust that it will be more convenient for you to assault your father with stones and plastic dolls if you did not have to damage our windows for the purpose. Whilst drunk, if I may add emphatically.