Frontline Doom

Humpty-Dumpty, contrary to what history has handed down, was not a cannon. He was a sniper working undercover. With his considerable bulk, no one could have guessed how graceful he actually was, and he had been trained since layday to use this to his advantage.

Secret legends of the King’s army had it that Zombie Robinhood himself had taught Humpty how to shoot, and that, at the peak of his utility, Humpty even had the Princess’s favour. Whenever this was mentioned in the barracks, Nelly, who was always within earshot, would smile into his chin and nod indulgently.

In the 20th century, propaganda always helped keep the public eye off Humpty; he lived by his lonesome in a small cottage in the Cotswolds, visited only by his descendants. Some in the service thought this was Humpty’s secret army, but most of these kids were doctors specialising in hybrid human care.

Humpty was now rarely called on duty, but when he was, he conducted business with a practiced ease, moving his girth to an invisible music, humming ancient rhymes, punctuating them with precision shots.