Facts of the Matter

FACT. I was once shot six times in the gut and still managed to kill the man that did it. With a hammer.

FACT. I have faced sixteen firing squads. No survivors.

FACT. I am the reason Hitler had only one ball. The other one spontaneously disintegrated the first time he saw me.

FACT. I was the meteorite that killed the dinosaurs. I fell from space onto earth after a war with a rogue faction of space-faring supermonks from the future. I won.

FACT. I can make you do a goatse without using your hands. Or mine.

FACT. The only way the internet manages to be so big without breaking down is that its design is based on my nervous system.

FACT. The Exquisite Corpse? I did the make-up.