Conventional Wisdom

Slippers give you dyslexia. Everyone knows that. Too much air between your toes. Fries your circuits.

You should always let a faucet run for three seconds before putting your hand under it. The first inch of pipe has imps that can infect you. The reason the government tells you not to waste water is that most of those people are already infected.

‘Never walk on the cracks of a pavement’? Fuck that. Walk on the cracks of a pavement. Too many of those tiles are push-button trapdoors. They feed you to the djinns that keep roads functional.

Always suck on a lemon before walking down a street with only alternate streetlights on. Otherwise you might stop existing between them.

When reaching behind a television set, shine a light down there to scare the murmurs away. Always lick your finger for luck before touching an electric socket.

And oh, don’t walk under a ladder. That’s just sound judgment. There’s always a can of paint waiting to fall.